Agent provocateur
by Obsessed Lass
Summary: When Ino browbeats Sasuke into aiding her matchmaking plans, the results prove to be rather unexpected.


_**Agent provocateur**_

One not so fine morning, Uchiha Sasuke found himself being rudely interrupted during his daily meditation session by the screeching voice of one meddlesome blond organism called Ino Yamanaka. Who had somehow managed to drag along the piteous looking Nara heir with her.

"What the hell, Yamanaka?" Sasuke ground out. "This couldn't wait?"

"Don't give me your crap, Uchiha!" Ino was indignant. "This is urgent, all right? You gotta do something about your stupid teammates!"

Sasuke scoffed with all the elegance that comes with being tutored since infancy in 'How To Be An Arrogant Prick 101'.

"You're delusional if you think I'd go along with your harebrained ideas. Besides, the two idiots would eventually get there without all your meddling."

Ino practically tore at her hair.

"When? The way things are going now, by the time I become a slightly cuckoo granny, they will probably have reached the handholding in public stage. Maybe some chaste kissing, if I'm lucky enough. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is? Even ten year old kids move faster than those two!"

Sasuke levelled a suspicious look at Ino.

"You better not be implying something creepy, Yamanaka."

"Don't get your panties in a twist now, Uchiha. You know perfectly well what I mean. Naruto and Forehead need a push. Preferably one that sends them hurtling down the flaming canyon of Icha Icha romance!"

Shikamaru gave a long-suffering sigh as Sasuke tried to remember the breathing exercises his aniki had suggested for... trying situations. Which occurred all too frequently, thanks to the asinine company he was forced to keep.

"What are you proposing exactly?" He finally gritted out after a slight pause.

"Put the moves on Forehead. You know, make some use of that made-to-smoulder looks. Maybe that would jolt them out of this snail-love shit."

"Sakura stopped seeing me like that ages ago. It won't work."

Shikamaru's drawling voice finally joined the conversation.

"She's got a point, Uchiha. Naruto might be forced to take the next step if he considers you to be his competition."

Sasuke looked askance at Ino's reluctant accomplice.

Shikamaru's eyes conveyed an unspoken promise of continued harassment by the next head of the Konoha TI department unless Sasuke agreed.

Ino went on in a wheedling tone.

"They are your best friends, Uchiha. C'mon! Don't you want to play with energetic little brats asking for their Sasu-ojichan?"

Sasuke glared but didn't really object.

Shikamaru smirked. Even confirmed cold-blooded creatures like Uchiha Sasuke had a tender spot.

*

Sakura was lounging with Naruto at their familiar spot when Sasuke found them later during the day.

Ignoring Naruto's happy shouts of teme!, he went straight to his female teammate.

"The new ice cream shop near the library at five. Wear something nice."

Then immediately disappeared leaving two flabbergasted shinobis in his wake.

"What...was that?" Sakura was too surprised to be articulate.

Naruto shook his head, worry lighting his expression.

*

Uneasy in a new dark blue turtleneck foisted upon him by Ino (" _You have to look the part, Uchiha_!"), Sasuke waited patiently at the designated venue of self-induced embarrassment. The atmosphere was supposed to be romantic, not that he had the least idea about it. The menu was littered with ridiculous names like _Summertime Shivers,_ _F_ _luffypalooza_ , _Dr Bad Date_ and... what the hell could _Trigger_ possibly mean?

"Looking sharp, Sasuke-kun!"

Sakura's voice made Sasuke look up from his attempts at deciphering arcane ice cream sundae nomenclature. She was prettily dressed, he noticed, and her accessories included a pair of earrings that he had given her for her twentieth birthday.

And apparently a blonde haired idiot as well.

"Pretty sure I didn't ask you out, dobe. What are you doing here?"

Naruto gave a rather flustered smile, rubbing his head as he was wont to when he felt discomfitted. " _Out with it, idiot_ ," Sasuke internally prayed, " _just put a stop to this farce already_."

"Actually I asked him to come along, Sasuke-kun. I thought it'd be better to have this conversation with all of us together."

Sasuke almost broke into a relieved smile. "Thank kami, you two finally--"

"It's okay, teme!" Naruto burst in, his expression radiating unalloyed concern. "We already know."

Had Yamanaka already spilled the beans?

"Annoying busybody..."

"Please don't get angry, Sasuke-kun. We knew long before Tenten came to us."

Had he spoken out al-- wait. _What_?

 _Tenten_?

How did _Bun-girl_ enter into the picture?

"What the hell are you talking about, Sakura?"

In response, Sakura clasped his hands in her own. The whole thing was growing weirder by the minute.

"We have known for a long time, Sasuke-kun. We didn't want to confront you before you felt like telling us. But after what you did today... It's nothing to be ashamed of, you know that right? You don't have to pretend with us."

Naruto vigorously nodded his assent.

Was this some elaborate prank?

"What are you two idiots babbling about?"

"We know you like Neji!" Two voices cried out in unison.

It was a testament to his fortitude that Sasuke didn't startle most violently at such an accusation, merely arching a shapely eyebrow.

Sakura gave a long-suffering sigh.

"Just don't, okay? It's been like, obvious to everyone present. Except Lee, of course. Only he would see that palpable sexual tension as "youthful competition!"

Naruto gave a foxy grin. "Always knew you liked people with long hair, teme."

Sasuke scoffed with derision.

"You're delusional."

"You're in denial."

"Hn."

So he liked sparring one to one with the Hyuga when their respective teams trained together. So what? Bun-girl was too obsessed with weapons to make a well-rounded opponent and Lee... Well, Lee was Lee.

" _Really_ , Sasuke-kun? Even though you just can't get rid of your shirt too soon with Neji around?"

"It's freaking summer!"

"If you say so." When Sakura flashed a toothy smile, Sasuke realized he rather preferred her starry-eyed pubescent self.

"You don't seem to get too sweaty when it's just us, teme," Naruto's grin was downright obnoxious.

"Enough! I'll say this just once." His voice promised retribution if they proved to be stubborn. "I. Do. Not. Not. Like. Hyuga. Neji. Like I'd ever fall for such a conceited ass."

" _He does have quite the shapely buttocks_ ," a hitherto non-existent voice supplied in his mind.

Where had _that_ come from?

Damn his idiotic teammates, planting ridiculous ideas in his head about Hyuga and his apparently gorgeous ass!

Sakura shushed Naruto's forthcoming protestation, seeing the red rise in Sasuke's cheeks.

"Alright! Message received. You have never, nor never will, like Hyuga Neji. But seriously, Sasuke-kun? Asking _me_ out? Don't tell me I'm supposed to believe that you suddenly found yourself wanting to make babies with me! You know I don't see you like that anymore."

Sasuke pinched the bridge of his nose, eyelids tiredly pressed together.

"It was a stupid plan to give you two idiots a push. Yamanaka is afraid she'll become an old hag long before you two get things going."

Sasuke looked up to find his teammates looking sheepish.

Naruto shared a look with Sakura. "Yeah, about that..."

"Don't be mad now, Sasuke-kun, but Naruto and I... we umm kindaarealreadytogether."

Sasuke's response was a far from eloquent "guh?"

Sakura took a long breath.

"We've been together for a while now. We just thought it'd be... easier if you didn't know."

"Hmm. Sneaking around me... not bad for two circus freaks."

"We really wanted to tell you teme, but we just... we wanted things to be quiet for us," Naruto's voice was imploring.

Sakura hummed in agreement.

"Everyone was way too invested to give us some space once they found out. And no offense, Sasuke-kun, but you are an _awful_ liar. Ino would have managed to ferret it out of you within no time. She can be really persuasive, you know."

Of _that_ Sasuke had no doubt.

*

Ino's intimidating efforts at matchmaking yielded a thoroughly unanticipated result when Sasuke finally admitted to being "whipped", as his teammates patronisingly put it.

"Hyuga uses his Byakugan in quite... _unorthodox_ ways."

Sasuke smirked triumphantly as he watched horrifying realization dawn on the previously smug faces of his teammates.

They had not once expected him to kiss and tell.


End file.
